I’m 26 years old, and I’ve only just begun to notice that for my whole life, my mother hasn’t seen me for who I really am. Nor has she really accepted my sister for all her worth, in fact, I’m pretty sure my mother can’t even see her true self. So how can I expect her to really see me.
I’ve always had problems, not in major way, just little niggles that didn’t quite fit, I would struggle to make friends, but once I did they were solid, other kids would make friends in an instant and on an ongoing basis. I was clever, but not in the right set for my abilities, I was a good sporting all rounder but I never really won anything, I was always just shy of it. I’m not sure if I cared about these silly indifferences, but what I did care about, was what my mother thought of me and my achievements. To put it bluntly, I don’t think I’ve ever received the correct praise for what I had achieved. In fact, I didn’t even get praise, it was all criticism.
If I came second, it was followed with a ‘you should of won’. If I didn’t win my heat, it was because I needed to improve my stroke technique. When I was perceived as being the top of my class, in middle set, my mothers response would be to demand I be in the top set. NO matter what I did, what I achieved, what made me a little different to the others…it was never good enough. And it still isn’t. I’m coming to terms with the fact that my mother will never accept or understand me for who I am, achievement or failures, because she cannot accept or understand who she is.
And so this way of mental abuse has become a part of who I am, and has more than likely fuelled my personality disorder.
See I have talents, skills. I have a strong body. My mind is damaged, but its got strength, perseverance and determination in it to succeed. I know this, I believe it. But my brain has been trained for 26 years, to not settle for belief, and to only commemorate high achievement. These statements are all met with the engrained negativity of my parents that was drilled into me my whole life. I have talents and skills that most people would be jealous of, but why are they not propelling me further, making me money or why am I not successful from them yet? I have a strong body, but it is weak compared to how adept it used to be, it could be bigger, stronger, musclier, curvier, more useful. It’s not good enough that it allows me to do all the things I can, I need it to do more. My mind is damaged, and whilst I know deep down in the core of me, I can get better, I am constantly berated with the fact that there is something wrong with me, I need to fix it, I’m not good enough, I’m not whole enough. I’m wrong.
Now, I love myself, I really fucking do, but I never feel good enough, or able enough, or worth it. I thought I had the demons in my head, but it looks like its trickled down from my grandma, to my mum, and onto my sister and I. Both our psychotherapist are concerned we may have been abused in our childhood. So far I can tell you, I was and am still, being emotionally and mentally abused by my mother, but also by myself. Physical abuse, I’m not so sure, as I can barely recall my childhood (another reason we may have had problems, is we both cannot for the life of us, remember certain chunks of our childhood).
Its not her fault though, and thats almost why I’m writing this. Back when my mum had kids, it was what you did. She even admits to me that at the time, she didn’t really want kids, she did not have that desire in her until it happened. I don’t think my mum wanted to or was ready to be a mum. And I don’t think a lot of people are today, but they do it anyway because its what you do.
I think back and wonder, what if my mum had a better relationship with her mother? What if my mother was a whole person herself before she fell in love. What if my mother didn’t have children for the sake of it, but waited until she was sure she was happy with her life achievements and understood the consequence, sacrifice and life learning that comes with having children. What if all the people who keep popping out children today, just stopped and thought hold on, I don’t even love myself, how am I going to love and raise another?
We’re spawning generation upon generation of people who don’t fully understand what its like to be a good person, a whole person, a happy person. Kids upon kids are being abused, deprived of basic human rights, there is struggle, famine, unemployment, and underachievement. We are raising kids, when we can’t even raise ourselves. All because its a) just what society says is right and b) we are told its wrong to love and look after yourself and say no to society.
Well I say no. From a child, that has struggled to feel loved, cherished, achieved or successful, please don’t have a child unless you are sure of what it entails and of what mental state youre in. I would love to have kids, it is after all in our genetic make up to reproduce for our species, but I would make a terrible mother because of the ever lasting crevice of negativities I have had inside me for my whole life. I could never allow myself to pass these on to another human. I would never allow myself to be so discouraging and disheartening to someone who is just trying to figure the world out.
Having children is supposed to make you happier, but what they forget to mention is you kind of need to be happy within yourself first. Having a child will not solve your relationship troubles, financial problems, bring you joy, or make you like your life even more. It will quite possibly make it worse. Im fairly certain my mother is still miserable, thats why my sister and I are still getting abused by her at the age of 26 and 30.
In no way, am I disregarding the choice to be a mum, I’m just going to make sure I am as whole as I can be before I nurture a new life on this planet. Please consider it first.