Any illness, deformity, disability, indifference you have to accept your going to get looked at. I know its a minute scale for me compared to others, after all I can easily blend in.
But when I can’t it hurts when people look at me. People say maybe the way I act is actually drawing attention to myself, but I cant control some things I do and I literally forget Im in a place where others can see me and what Im doing is different.
I can’t walk without getting distracted. My head and eyes dart around, I look up, I suddenly stop without looking because theres something I have to touch.
The clothes I wear. I express my mood through them, often I have been told I should not leave the house with what im wearing as it just looks silly. but to me, i feel great. so i wear it anyway. People stare, some oggle in a good way, others smirk at my mishaps.
They may not be menacing stares, or particuarly judgemental, but they are looks, and I don’t know why they see what they see and not what I see. How are they only noticing me, and not the numerous infinate beautiful life around them? How are they so intently engrosed on their phones only to look up and observe when something is out of place and different. Who are they to speculate and judge, when they can’t see or feel what I feel?
And then when people get to know me, I am assumed to be happy, amazing, great. I have no problems, I am a vibrant bundle of life and energy and I love everything. Only they don’t see what’s inside me, they see what they want to see, but if I told them my frets, that I wanted to stab a knife through my leg earlier because I saw some roadkill. They’d think I’m nuts. They all presume I’m ok, I’m told in astonishing gasps, no way do you have mental health problems, you’re the jolliest person I know, but it’s my facade. It’s how I get by in this world. It’s how I survive.
But its not how I like to live. If only we could collectively stop the self judgement and in turn the judgement of others by what we first see, the world could be alot nicer and alot easier for people like me and people like you.