I returned to work for a bit….then I fell apart again. I didn’t want to return (who does?) but to my utter surprise it was amazing, people where so friendly towards me, welcoming, loving and not in the least bit troubled by my mental woes, they were just happy to have ME back.
There. That’s what hit me.
People do like me and I forget this, all the time. I’ve been trained to think there’s something wrong with me, something unlikeable, something not quite right like the other people so why would they like me, except they fucking do!
I assumed upon returning no one will notice or care that I went missing. I put my walls up and protected myself, prepared to slip back into my routine unnoticed. I was wrong, and those walls where knocked down by the sheer delight and happiness that hey I have been missed and yes I am as fucking ace as I think I am to others. If I could only believe it outside of these times I would have a more consistent way of thinking about myself and then managing my bpd.
Currently I am on a rollercoaster of emotion about myself, I dabble in hate and self love, I’m not quite sure what’s wrong with me, why people interpret me different, why I’m diffferent, so I cover it all up, act normal and become the most likeable person of myself. But upon this return to work I didn’t.
I made sure I didn’t keep my emotions in a sort of locked up box, I was honest to people about where I had been, and if I was having a bad day or shift, I voiced it. To my utter surprise it worked. I focused on regulating and keeping consistency in my work pattern, rather than turning up one day hyper as a fucking five year old and then not being able to go in for the next three weeks without having an anger outburst or being inappropriate.
Balance it out or the following happens…
‘I Didn’t want to be disappointed in myself for not being able to do work when it’s not even actually work I’m doing in the first place. Who gets tired after 3 4hr shifts. Oh I fucking do.
I should of paid attention to myself and put in the effort to avert my crisis like I was taught in my recovery. I’ll be honest I haven’t even look at my crisis action plan nor have I bothered to assemble my team. I’m not even sure when the last time it was that I spoke to my crazy group. They did meet up this week. I should of gone.’
I may of returned to work…but I insinuated a crisis. Don’t get annoyed. I keep doing this, going head first in and then crash.
So I think I Need to stop putting all my eggs in one basket. My recovery is a marathon not a sprint gogddamit. Instead of bashing everything out when I have the energy, I must remember to say NO to yourself and your excitement. Long term goals over short term.
You Canneh be a ball of bouncing fun all the time.