On and off again

I just did a week.  A real week where I did a whole bunch of stuff.  Today I am reviewing it, myself and what to do next.

I’m terribly inconsistent with my life.  My mind, feeling, emotions and everything is always changing, always distracted, here there and everywhere so naturally my life evolves around this inconsistency, and yes I know it’s bad for me.  But I’m so used to it, I’m finding it really difficult to change, but change I am.

There’s all these mottos floating around on trend such as, say no, take care of yourself, eat healthier, be more active, take care of you.  Well they’re all fine and dandy if you know how to do those things, when you don’t they become a little too disconcerting and actually pretty terrifying.  Over the past few months as I’ve eased myself back into life from my mental breakdown, I have been slowly trying to pay attention to these gems of advice, and putting some of them into practice.  I’m getting really good at saying no to people when I don’t want to do something, and I am not particularly good at saying, I’m not ok, I can’t do that.

A year ago I would of forced myself to do whatever the task in hand was, likely failed at it, and then felt incredibly horrific that I myself had failed and quite likely I had failed another person.  I was almost setting myself up for failure on a daily basis.

That’s the sneaky part of my brain and bpd self sabotaging me.  I don’t want to and I didn’t mean to.

I am not turning over a new leaf,  it’s taken months and months of practice. I’ve been infuriated upset and mad at myself, I’ve also been proud relieved and rested.

All these gems of advice are great, I believe in them, but even for regular folk they can become stressful and exceptionally hard to change the habit.  When your mentally inept, it takes three times as long and there’s a chance you won’t ever make it.
I’m in a constant battle with myself, I’m building though, and I’m getting better.  I’m absolutely terrified I’m going to snap so today.  I am reflecting.  I’ve already denied two sets of plans I was invited on…why? because I need to be consistent in taking time for myself.  As does everyone.

Self love is so hard in this world, keeping it consistent and always there is almost darn right impossible. Unless your some super human Alien that’s been probed differently and actually yes you can.

The only consistency I have found over the past months is building up a consistency, and that helps.


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