Since I broke down I have been motivating myself more recently. It’s been about a week. I did eat breakfast, and I’ve been slowly building myself up. But trying not to put too much pressure on myself to get everything done and fix myself asap.
Instead I’ve been treading a mind field of emotions and trying to navigate across it without any real explosions but one will come, it is inevitable. I knew I was getting closer and closer. I found it harder to be in peoples company, I found it hard to pay attention, to dismantle the bad feelings and try and hold onto what is a little bit of reality. Only I’m fully aware there’s a huge crack opening up inside me. I’m not ok, but I’m trying to be ok still.
It only really occurred to me how hurt I was when something as mundane as someone not cancelling there plans with me and instead just not turning up, set me off. Any normal person would be a little be-miffed and bemused by it and just why could you not of let me know? Simple humanity really. But this set me off on a whole host of emotional turmoil. Whats wrong with me, why was I ignored or forgotten, was I not important enough to let know of the change, what did I do? All these things are reflected at me. Clearly there must be something wrong me for that to happen and so now I hate myself and that person.
And then I remembered, I walked myself into it. I didn’t actually make solid plans, it was a relaxed saying of see you later. And in all my hobgob I obviously put everything on hold and waited. I waited, I waited. I didn’t make other plans incase I missed out on these ones. I foolishly put myself in a position where I could be let down, hurt and possibly lonely. I could of gone to another friends, but being my loyal self I said no, I’ve got plans with someone else later, so I passed. Only I hadn’t made plans later. I was waiting for them. And then I sat alone for four hours, waiting for anything. something.
Finally I had enough and I communicated only to be told I’d pretty much just wasted my evening on nothing.
This is something I do regularly. I depend so much on people, and pleasing them, doing what they want, putting myself on hold for them. I don’t actually do what I want.
I’m not entirely sure what I want even is and also I’m scared that maybe if i do what i want..I’ll be lonely.
Lonelier than I already am.
But I do need to start paying attention to me, not giving it to others.