I just went into town.
It was horrendous.
While the world can seemingly get on and go about there day when shopping, maybe getting a tad frsutrated at the people ho dordle or ignore personal space, its whole other kettle of fish for me and my bpd.
Firstly, I cannot stand the type of people I come across. Theres nothing wrong with them, theyre just normal regular folk. but they make me incredibly angry. Old people. distaste. young people, dispair. fat people. go on a run. All really harsh judgements I know, I cant help it though. The pain the anger the upset, annoyance, frustration and confusion fills my body. How are they living? How are they functioning? There are so many of them. So many of us. theres all the shops lined up screaming offers at them and they idly get sucked in. how. why. cant you see how detrimental all that spending is. Cant they see that in order for them to carry their shopping in their plastics bags that generations to come will have to start eating the darn stuff. You there with your 4 primark bags full of bargains, how are you able to allow yourself to buy so much from a cheap company that destroys the planet, populations, communities. Did you really need that extra 3 crop tops for this summer. oh god I cant stand it.
I found myself meandering around the shop with what I think was a couple but I couldnt quite be sure. They were both fat, loud and ignorant. the bloke was being extremely annoying and rather abusive towards the woman. Scoffing and huffing at her every suggestion. maybe they were brother and sister. still your in a public place maybe tone it down a bit. Or don’t treat I arch other like that in the first place. They shouted from isle to isle. I tried to get away, but everytime I turned into a new one and got some peace, they sauntered round the other end. Barging through everyone, standing infront of them no regard for personal space. I just wanted to scream at them what is wrong with you have you no self respect or respect for others or what is going on around you. but i couldnt and i wouldnt. So let it bottle up inside of me. the more I shopped the more i got angry. all the other people in the shop started frustrating me too. The lady who was telling her little girl off for looking at something and slowing her down. The father who allowed his kid to pick up cookie pack after cookie pack. The elderly people who had no discourse for the people around them and took up far too much space in the isle that no-one else could get by. move your fucking arse. shut the fuck up and practise better parenting please. the rage, the sadness the anger.
I dont know if its just where I live, I get so annoyed at the types of people who are alive. I suppose i do live in a pretty prestigious place in the grand scheme of things, but I still get fucked off by the fucktards who go about their day not even once thinking of others, the environment or the future.
And there I was at the till, I moved everything upto a neat pile and put one of those barrier things down, and low and behold there comes a nice thank you and a bright smile. from who? the annoying shit who’d been following me around the whole store. After all my anger and frustration towards them had built up and I’d made my mind up yes they should most definately be dead, she turned me on my head and said thank for what I consider an incredibly minute gesture. And so now I was confused. I was so mad at her for being so rude and repulsive and then she had just been so kind. I am baffled I am miffed I am confused. I still hate you, and yet I am so grateful you said thank you, especially as im pretty sure its something I wouldnt say thank you for. its not like i put her shopping on the trolley for her, I just put a little barrier up to let her know she could.
So i left town, exhausted and offbeat. my head swirling with mental conversations and confusion about whether people are inheritely good or bad, or maybe it was me all along. I mean i know i have a problem, a real people problem, I always shout at them in my head get so easily frustrated, have done since I was a kid, I cant seem to be able to ignore it though, I cannot help but feel these over empowering thoughts and judgements and feelings. I get panicky and short of breath. I feel sick and faint. why, because the world around me completely baffles my brain and I dont know how else to process it. the only part of the world that deosnt make me feel that way is thae natural organic one. The one we’re destroying.