rar rar whats the point

oh my gosh what even is the point?  thats all my brain keeps telling me.  I know there is a point, theres a wonderful amazing world out there, there are humans that care and are tacking action. there is a change in the tide and the future is coming  but I’ve been sat here for almost two hours thinking just what even is the point?  And its so frustrating, half my brain is telling me to give up. give in, go home. die.  and then theres this other voice going, don’t do it, you got this.  You’ve come so far, you’re winning, honestly you are, you wouldn’t of gotten this far if you weren’t.  its an ongoing battle, the scales tip one side and then the other.  Im not trying to be either of the voices, i’m trying to level them out.  but its just not working.  Im sick of the tablets im taking, they’re making me so sleepy to start with only to have me wake up in the evenings.  Im sick of constantly not knowing what to eat or even if i should.  Im sick of seeing people worse off than me and knowing i could and should be doing better.  im tired of this struggle, this torment and ‘self love’ bullshit i keep trying to put into practice.  Deep down I want it so bad.  I want to scoop myself up, fix my wounds, heal my soul and spread the love and wonders to everyone and  anyone who will listen, but then that voice comes back. why? whats the point?  no-one cares anyway.  Theres too many people in this world to make a difference.  why fucking bother.  im so fucking confused, irate, annoyed, frustrated, tired, and angry.   Im a whole box of negative emotions today.  and then BAM, it hits me.  im fucking feeling something.  its not nice, im in a constant torment and i just dont understand, but atleast im feeling.  im not numb.  and even though the feelings are quite possibly just the worst bullies i know, atleast there is something there.  atleast i am feeling.


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