For years, I’ve been an oddball.
No ones understood me. No one relates to me. I was alone. I’d never met anyone even remotely similar to me…until I found my crazy college.
I hadn’t properly been to group therapy before. I really was not keen on it. I’d dabbled and found that actually the people just made me angrier, or just were not on my level. It was even more saddening to know that even thought people had been similarly diagnosed as me, I still couldn’t fully connect with them.
It was the third week of this particular group therapy, and thus far, most of the group had actually clicked. Turns out a few of them had felt the same when going to other groups, they just couldn’t relate. But here, there were very fine energising connections being made. And on week three I knew they were the group for me, my kind of crazy.
On this particular meeting, there was a smell. As I walked through the doors I noticed a wonderfully berry scent, summary almost. Bare in mind, this was in midwinter. No berries about. It put me in a joyous mood. It was as if when I walked through the doors all my troubles were left the other side and I was transported into an environment where nothing was bad, even the really bad stuff.
Turns out, I wasn’t the only one who could smell it. Now that may not seem like such a shocker, it wait. As each of us came into the room, we noted the smell and some mentioned it, so we began discussing what it was we could smell, none of the ladies int he rooms perfume matched the scent, it was odd. We couldn’t figure it out. And then I look at out psychologys group leader. She looks confused, a little bewildered. So I ask, cAn you smell. She responds with a simple ‘nothing, I don’t know what your all on about’
It may of all been coincidence, it might actually be real that we with bpd experience things very differently toy those of normal folk, we feel, see and smell things differently and down to the minute scale. Or we literally are all just nutsack crazy. It didn’t matter, what did matter was that from this silly scent conundrum, we had connected fully. We were suddenly bonded to each other in a relatable way I not think any of us had every experience before. We’d never been the in the company of the right kind of crazy. What a relief. A tiny sense of belonging, a final small lack of loneliness. I was not entirely crazy and if I was, I’d found some others like me.
Our group session ended after ten weeks. But as a. Collective and oddly against the recovery colleges advisory for us not too, we agreeed to continue to meet. I’ll be honest, we haven’t actually met up yet. But we do have a nice ongoing whataspp streams. We will eventually meet up, in fact some of us have on the odd avocation just not asa. Group. But what’s important is that found each other and we found a sense of belonging.
Having a mental illness doesn’t mean you have to be alone. There is people out there like you, don’t worry you are not alone just because you haven’t Lund them yet. I went 26 years feeling alone. It’s a long time. But it’s worth the feeling of not being alone when it comes.