I must remember..

I must remember to let it out.

When an emotion occurs, my automatic default is to shut it out.  Shut it out and ignore it.  That’s what I’ve been trained to do since I was a kid.  Don’t show emotion.

Thing is eventually it gets all too much and I go pops.  Our family dog was ill…and I could feel the emotion building.  I could see my sister and mother expressing it in all sorts of physical and verbal ways.  And I just sat there, numb and dumbfounded.  It was the same when my dad died, when my nan passed.  Nothing.  I tucked the pain away and was sombre at best.  Nothing was happening.  I noticed it this time.  Why am I not feeling this here and now?

Later it occured to me I needed to adress this emotion.  I am yet too, and i know its going to go pop.  how do you even do that? how do you recall something you forced yourself not to experience.

Im trying to tap into that.  Not control it, but maybe if I can analyse and track it I can get good at managing it better.  I must remember to allow myself to feel, to adress my emotions and internal harmonies when they happen, not when they decide to explode at a later date.

I think emotions are bad, I don’t understand them, I get them confused.  Why because I have a personality disorder that makes me get them in a muddle.  Anyway, now I know, I am starting to acknowledge I have feelings and emotions, I react to situations and that’s ok.  I’m so used to it not being ok, that when I do react…I don’t.  If that even makes sense.

Anyway I guess what I’m saying is part of my recovery is navigating all these emotions that everyone else seems fine in managing.  I process them differently in the sense that I don’t, but I’m trying to to, and that’s all that matters.

Do what you can, no more no less.  You and our emotions are enough, regardless of situation.

UDSF 

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