Dress shopping

We had to go dress shopping for my sisters wedding.  I was, as expected, hesitant to go but my sister  is important so I went to support her. And then I’d go off and do own things. 

 Within 5mins of being in car with my mother, I was ready to loose it. Severe anxiety from her. All I was trying to do was plug a cable in, and she constantly asks question, about it, as she’s driving she tries to get involved in he cable Polava.  I do not feel safe.  My sister said explicitely mum can’t you tell Kalina is stressed and everything your pestering her about is making it worse, you need to pay attention and just let her sit there in the back of the car and do her own thing.  She continues to question me.

After another stern talk from my sister, she finally leaves me alone, but she makes a huge huff about it.

 After two hours with her I literally am going to explode, I’m angry and sad and resentful and exhausted. I’m so miserable I don’t even want to be alive. I finally get to retreat to my cabin, sisters comes out as Im packing to leave, I literally cannot be on the same plot as her, she declares she too is exhausted, stressed and feels like she needs to nap or take the rest of the day off to recover from being in such close vicinity and scrutiny to our mum. 

 Throughout my life and diagnosis, it is clear that my mental health deteriorates when I am near my mother. I spent the good half of my teen years and uni life away from her. Here is where I succeeded the most. And by succeed I mean, I felt moderately happy and almost sane. I struggled, but I had fight in me, I don’t have fight anymore. I want to die more than ever. Especially when I see her face. I do not open my curtains for fear she will see me vice versa, I avoid going for a shit because every time I go in the house to do so, I get ambushed. I avoid filling up my water for the same reason. She is slowly killing me, like her mother slowly killed her. I have to get away, I don’t know how, I need help, I need safety to recover and heal and build my strength back up to where it was a year ago so I can maintain a fairly balanced life and work to normalisation.

If your a family member of someone with mental illness, i can understand it must be hard to see us like that or to understand us. And whilst we do need help, support and guidance, sometimes your pestering and fussing is too much for us to handle, and it turns over into a hinderence rather than a help.  I find it incredibly hard to tell people when I’ve had enough, so I know it must be super difficult for someone to know when I’ve had enough.  The focus on mental health is all about onverstaion and talking and expressing….but sometimes, with some people, you need to walk away and have space to recover.  And I get that with both my mother and sister.  

I guess what I’m trying to say is, conversation isnt always the best method.  Yes it should be an integral part of recovery, but knowing when you need to take yourself out of a situation is far more crucial.

Pay attention to those triggers and remove yourself when possible.  Regroup, recharge and then re assess going back into the situation.


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