Energised exhaustion

Being energised and exhausted at the same time.  It’s very odd.

It’s a standard thursday.  I cannot get up.  It’s taking me over an hour to get out of bed, I’m still exhausted. My muscles ache.

I was invited for coffee though, so I must go.  I don’t often get these invites anymore, most people who know me know I like my own company better than people’s, which they respect and I love them for it. But it is super nice to be invited and taken out from time to time, being a hermit I get so trapped in my own space and mind I forget how stagnant I get.  So I went, and I had an amazing time, I was fully energised in the moment, but I was also being exhausted.  I wanted so bad to enjoy it all, to forget the darkness, but it was still there.  For a few brief moments I did forget, and maybe the people I was with forgot too.  See as much as I want people to treat me like a normal person, I also don’t want them to think I’m fixed.

When I do get to go out, don’t be fooled by my joy and energy for being healed. I am so incredibly damaged behind it all, that this is the only joy I will have today or maybe even this week. I get home, and I am elated, it’s exhausting.   I’m scared, tired, worries, frantic and panicking. Why, I don’t know. Maybe because I did too much, maybe I worried they will think I’m cured, maybe they won’t understand what’s wrong with me. Or why I’m sick, I seem fine. I can assure you, I am not. That was an incredibly fun day, and I’m so proud and pleased with myself I did it. But a week ago, I was invited to a similar situation and within half an hour I had to leave because I’d been unable to speak or engage with anyone! Another reason people don’t often invite me out. I don’t have control over my moods, but if you get me on an ok day, and can get me out, you really can help a sister out. 

 But behind all that, I’m mental struggling, lonely and confused. Most of the reason I avoid people, they just won’t understand, don’t see it or can’t fathom it. Just because I am ok and happy for a few hours, and I’m seemingly normal, I can be fairly normal, does not mean I’m cured, fixed or doing bettter, I was just able to not let my mental health get the better of me and begrudge my recovery. 
See, even when I’m good, I can still be terribly bad, and that’s the hardest part.  Allowing your goodness not be tainted by the darkness.  It’s all about balance as usual.  Anyone with mental illness knows how out of whack our brains are, and I can assure you, even when we seem fine, there’s a high chance we are not.  So please don’t let us fool you.

We may seem energised on the outside, but on the inside we are getting exhausted, and as I get home, I slump into an exhaustion coma in my bed.  And that’s it for a few days.  I won’t be able to do much else.  But alteast I did something great 🙂

UDSF x

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