Earth ‘I am mentally ill’

It was an odd end to the last year, almost non existent to me, and it’s been an even funnier start to this one.  In the first quarter I broke. Broke hard.

I fell apart again completely.  Something I’d not done in over a year.  Damn it.

To those that saw me it may not of seemed I was that bad, but behind closed doors as usual, the real demons come out to play.

I sit alone in my own torture.  I’m hungry but I cannot fathom food. I’m full of energy but its all negative and has nowhere to go.  I worry for the world, for those around me, as I meander through the streams of beings in the street, I cant help but feel utterly ashamed of not just myself, but all those around me and the state of the society we’ve created.  When did we become so inconsiderate? So disjointed and seperated.  We are the only species on earth who pay to live here, and well over half of us just cant afford it.  My mind is blown.

I have a job I need to go back to, why because they say so, because its what we do as humans, because if i dont ill run out of money and won’t be able to feed myself, not that I’m very good at that anyway.  I dread explaining to people where and why I’ve been away, for them to stare at me completely gormless as to how i feel the way I feel and broke down the way I did.  Their obscure expressions mirroring my absolute uncertainties,  but they dont understand it, they just hear it, and what they see when I feel it, is a pin in a hammer bucket.  It just doesnt compare.

And then I have to deal with it myself.  Every day I question life, wtf  is it, what are we even doing as humans.  I spend too much time thinking, caring, worrying, searching for solutions I never actually go anywhere.  On and on my brain scrambles for a new way of life, but more and more i realise as time goes by, there simply isnt one.  Not here, not with these humans, not on this planet.  We are too much of an unstoppable force to the planet and ourselves.  We are a tragedy to existence and a disgrace to the universe.  We could be so much more than the cars we drive, houses we live in and labels we wear.  We could create epic jobs and unimagineable desires if we could just look past the end of our noses.  We should be a natural phenominon, we are the only species on the planet to create fire, and all we do is burn our home away.

 Its a dark dark place in my brain, but its even worse in the real world, and i just cant understand why people dont wake up and see it.  We need a change,  all of us, in far too many ways for one person to even try and make a ripple.

It was odd end to the year, and an even funnier start for me, but what happened in the world I can’t seem to stop obsessing over and wonder, maybe I broke because the wold is breaking.  And maybe this massive endemic of mental health that keeps being swept under the rug is the breaking point for everyone else.  People are literally loosing there minds and at the same time, the planets loosing its resources, societies are dividing, nature is dwindling.  There has to be a connection somewhere.  Maybe the mental health movement can aid the planetary shift too, I don’t know, but what I do know is I’m not ok with it all.  I’m not ok with humans, I’m not ok with myself.  Life isn’t ok, and that’s ok.  Maybe we need to wake up and realise that as a collective whole, we should all be doing more to make a change, not just a mental change, but a physical societal pivot to a brighter more wholesome, loving and peaceful future of existence.

I’m am just so hopeless today

UDSF

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