A girl like me…

I used to know a girl, a girl like me, and I wanted to help her.  But she wouldn’t let me.  I hope I haven’t rejected that help from someone before without noticing it.  Here’s how it felt trying to reach out to someone but not getting through…sometimes if they don’t want to help themselves unfortunately you can’t take their burdens for them.  It was excruciating difficult to let her go, we should all be helping each other, but there’s only so much you can do for someone with mental health, ultimately it’s up to them….unless your a mind Jedi in which case please help us all!!!

I’d known her for a while, she wasn’t a friend, more of an aquantance, but we were in each others lives fairly regualrly regardless.  The whole time she knew me, I was ‘crazy’.  I had problems, depression, social issues etc etc, but it was only in the last year of knowing her that I found out, she had what I had, she was struggling just as much as me, if not more, and yet the whole time I knew her,  I didnt really know her did i.

She reminded me of myself.  Socially she came across fine, infact she seemed happy and content.  She had a good job, got promoted alot, and enjoyed herself whilst at work.  She was feisty and outspoken, she invited people into her home regularly, and we came.  But behind all of this, she was suffering, big time.  And we really had no idea.  It only came to light how similar we were towards the end of our time together, where a drunken coked up conversation led her to reveal she was on 3 times the amount of antidepressants and tablets than me, and she was struggling big time, but she shrugged it off.  I knew that shrug too well.

It dawned on me, that it was all a front.  Much like mine.

We’d been sat in the same circle for 4 years, and neither one of us reached out.  I’ll be honest though, I never hid my mentality,  part of the reason I fell out of that friendship group,  they didnt care that i had problems, nor did they respect me or my partner for having them.  They were rude, ignorant, harsh and judgemental without even realising it.  Here we where two girls in a group of guys,  we sat on opposite sides of the room, only spoke to each other in the general conversation.  I tried to invite her out with some other people, I tried to strike up a conversation for just me and her, but she always reverted elsewhere or ignored me.  She didnt take.  Im not sure she wanted to.

See I was stuck in a  tormenting relationship too.  And i could see hers.  Out of it all, her partner was one of the main people who I didnt want to be around, purely because he made me feel worse about myself than I needed too.  I couldnt imagine living with him.  He would catcall woman,  be derogitory towards them, he was highly opinionate on the role of a woman,  she was meant to be at home and cook dinner for him, even though she too had a job.  He would make remarks about female celebrities and how he would like to fuck them, all while his loyal partner was sat there next to him.  He’d virtually asserted to a room full of people he would fuck woman regardless of how they or his partner felt about it.   It made me hate myself because I didnt look like those woman, and it made me hate myself even more because I didnt stand up to him and say hey, thats incredibly sexist and inconsiderate of you.  And it made me angriest of all that his partner just put up with it.

She was suffering big time, I am no relationship expert, but she should of been treating better, I should of been treated better.  I don’t know what happened with them behind closed doors, but when with them, she was quietened, demanded upon, ignored.  All things someone with mental health really doesn’t need.  She’d been with this guy 6 or so years, and I don’t think she knew any better.  It reminds me of what kind of relationship I wanted, and I think this is where I began to rAlise mine fuelled my mental health into a bad place.  I escaped mine.  I hope she escapes hers too.  He obviously wasn’t the cause of her issues, but he sure as shit didn’t help them.  I wanted to help her, but I don’t think she wanted to help herself.

I’d known this girl for almost half a decade and I’d had no idea she was suffering, I don’t think many people did, or even her partner was aware of how much she was suffering.  Mental Heath is a silent disease, to those who have it and those around it.  We should all be a bit more mindful about how we interpret the spaces around us and interact with others.  For any one person can be in a pain you can’t see or fathom.

For half a decade, I was constantly interacting with someone in the same amount if not more pain than I was.  There I was, completely aware of the mental health crisis, of how it feels how you act how you pretend to be ok, and she fully deceived me.  Be careful,daily, with those you know all to well and particularly those you don’t know so much, for any one of us has a story no-one else knows.  1 in 4 are affected, probably more as we begin to shed light on it.  Who’s your one infourcould be suffering?  Who in your 1in 4 may you have missed th cry for help for?  Who I your 1in 4 needs you more than ever?  Be open, be kind, be aware, but remember you cant help someone if they dont help themselves.

I learnt that the hard way, and I beat myself up about it for not being able to help.  I thought it was me and I’ve suffered long enough, tormenting myself that I didn’t help her more, but I helped myself instead and now I realise, especially when it comes to mental health, you can’t fight other peoples battles, you can join there artillery and lend a helping hand, but on a personal level, no-one can cure mental health in another, unless they want to themselves.

UDSF (:

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