I went to work
I want to work
I could feel the energy and I was drawn back in. Welcomed by a family, who barely know me, but are incredibly open to me,.
And then I could feel it drain away from me wondering why the world works the way the world works and looking at all the people that use plastic for pleasure. And then i get upset. See its not that i don’t want to work, I just cant help but get overtly bombrarded with the enviornment around me and overwhelmed by all the excitement and emotions.
I see, feel and pick up on all the little minute things you don’t. That parent over their, sipping her coffee ignoring their childs need for love and validation, all the rubbish over filling the bins with no order for recylclables or rubbish or food waste. I see kids wasting pounds upon pounds on sweets and sugary things that will have them addicted for life. I hear the whaling of alittle girl who just fell over and scraped her knee and suddenly im filled with a storm of tears because I can feel her pain, not just see it, but actually feel it deep inside me, like the blood dripping out of her cut, I feel the blood dripping down my lungs.
Im at work, but I’m not really at work. I’m slowly drowning in all the environment around me and I want to curl up and forget it all.
Do it for the money, i have no desire I’m afraid. I know this world works on money but I don’t. I can’t. I get the concept but then I’m so confused by it. Earn, consume, earn, consume. Repeat. I dont know, it just doesnt seem real.
So I try and shift my focus back to my work, be a good employer, get through the day, be smiley, inviting and honest. I feel the energy flow into me of all the smiles and happy normal faces around me. It fills me to my seems and then I feel I might burst from it. I want to feel like that too, I want to be normal and go about my working day, I want to get through it without amental breakdown, upset or overly joyous outbreak, but I cant. I wont ever stop feeling what Im feeling, all I can do is maybe help my brain interpret it better.
See I want to work, I want to go out, I want to be involved, but sometimes, I literally cannot. and so i run away into the toilets and I weep for a small while. I shove it all back inside me and I force myself to get through the next few hours, until finally I can go home, curl up in my ball, feel the pain, allow it to wash over me and hold me in my bed for the foreseeable future until I have to face it all again.
It’s not that easy working, when it is so inheritely damaging and painful. I wish upon all the stars I could, but the again I thank my lucky stars I have what I have, and so I’m lost.