Don’t show yourself.
Don’t even hint at it. It’s no good for you, or them.
You are fine. Cover it up.
Thats what I keep hearing myself murmur. Even as the words travel through my head space I instantly know they’re wrong and lying and just being darn mean. And yet I can’t help but feel somewhat protected by them and so I of course obey.
There’s been an awful lot of new people in my life and for the most part I have selectively and delicately shared myself with them. It’s been ok. Partially positive actually. But heres a little secret…I’ve yet to show them all of it. And theres one person in particular I’m terrified of sussing me out.
See there’s only so much you can tell people about your mental health before they begin not understanding, get confused, a little scared and quite frankly start thinking you are totally insane. That’s ok for the most part, but every now and again someone different will turn up, and you so desperately want to explain it all to them. Be honest and truthful and warn them…you’re a complete fruitcake, and yet you hide it all. Knowing full well you’ll be devastated when they figure out you can’t function properly. You can be a bit of a burden even if you hate it. You need more help than normal. And well, they come to the completely sane and rational decision that you are far more trouble than worth and actually they can’t really handle that in their lives. Then they go. That’s it.
You tried to reach out and open up a conversation, but it was always one sided. You were talking to yourself, as no-one can or will ever understand you or why you are the way you are. You can’t even figure that out yourself. You’re alone in this world, and it should stay that way. The only company you need is your darker self. The one that tells you all this is true.
But I want to tell them, I want to try and I want to put it out there.
What if someone does understand or at least wants to try to? What if they wanted to help? Sounds great, how the fuck do you go about showing them your utter nutcase personalities though?
Most important lesson here is it doesn’t matter if your mentally ill or a regular person, sharing your darkness, your deepest secrets and revealing your true self is always an incredibly brave thing to do. I get so caught up in my darkness and letting it escape that I forget everyone has a little darkness in them at some level, and even though theirs might be a whole universe smaller than mine, the fear to show and share it is very much the same.
Just because I have a personality disorder doesn’t mean I can’t share my negative or terrifying parts, mentally ill or not, sharing our darker parts, is a conquest we all have to face at some point or another.
Don’t hide who you are or what makes you unique. Broken in darkness is how the light gets into all of us