Appearing fine

On the surface, I’m fine.

I’m amazing

I’m composed, 

I’m coping.  

No one even knows I’m ill.  It’s that part of my illness I hate the most.  

Its a lie.  It’s not who or how I am.  Its an unforced response that keeps me safe from you. 

Its my most sabotaging skill I own.

I want so badly to share this deep dark secret of mine, hence why I am doing so behind the safety of the internet and this blog.  But there are people in my life i want to reveal it to.  People who I haven’t even shown this blog too.  People who don’t even know I’m even remotely ill.  Some I don’t think I’ll ever really show.

I’m far too scared.  Not because of what they’ll think of me, but how they’ll interact with me after they know, and most importantly if they’ll keep the contact or run away from the loon in their life.

I want so desperately to share this burden with someone, but I can’t.  I can’t give part of this away to them, I can’t put them through it, it’s not fair.  But I want to.  And if do, how does it affect them, how will it impact their life, their emotions, thoughts and feelings, particularly the ones towards me, but most importantly the ones toward themselves.  What if I tarnish them with my darkness, if I allow them to see and experience it, I fear it’ll consume them too and eat away at their insides and slowly rot them away like it does me.

No I cannot freely share this with anyone.  I want too, but when it really comes to it, I can’t.  Not in person, not for real.

It’s a lonely place to not share anything with anyone, it’s even lonelier when you fear what sharing might do to someone.

I’m trying to take steps towards sharing it, I’m trying to speak up, I’m trying to be me, the real me, but it’s so hard when so far I’ve been my with negativity, disagreement, arguments and judgements,

Just know I’m trying.

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