This past year I got to have my own fucking no christmas 🙂 sounds odd, but bare with me…
Since my dad died, I’ve had a decade of faking it. I must make it clear, I do bloody love christmas. I’m not a screwge, I’m also not a christmas loon. None of that pre december celebration nonsense. But this year I needed to miss christmas. Ignore the hype, I noticed it when I was walking around. Decorations, families, presents, love, giving, sharing, food and conversation. It’s glorious. But I will never have a full family of that again. And every year it pained me more, as I blindingly ignore the fact that my dads not at the table and never will be at the table ever again.
I didnt realise how painful that had been to me until now. Until I am able to mourn my fathers passing and cancel christmas. And I don’t feel guilty for it. I should of done it years ago. I should of done what I needed. Maybe I wouldnt be in a such a mess as I am now, maybe it would of lifted some of the burden. But I didn’t. Now I can.
For years I did the traditional thing, family presents food etc. but I didnt want to and i didnt realise how detrimental that was to me. Like all of my recovery i must listen to my intuition and do what i need not what others think i need. many people found it hard when I explained I was spending christmas alone, i got oodles of invites to join others, but i didnt want to and they didn’t listen to me. They judged me straight away, didn’t even consider my side of it, they listened but they still insisted i shouldnt be alone, and whilst i appreciated all that care, i didnt want it or need it.
It’s the same with mental health, everyone just judegs you for it, they dont see the other side, they dont want to because they dont understand or know it. Well when it comes to mental health, you dont need to understand it fully or even agree with it, but you do need to accept it. Like i needed them to accept that i just wanted to be alone at christmas for once and that it would be good for me.
Sometime christmas can be a painful experience for people. Sometimes they need to not do what the world says they should. Sometimes people need to heal themselves in ways others dont understand. And thats ok.
Next year this will transform again. Hopefully I’ll of healed. My sister is getting married in december. This year was the last chance I got of missing my dad. And I’m going to do it right, how I wanted to. My way. Like all my recovery.
I have focused on myself the last few months, and its working. To an extent, i still struggle with what im ‘supposed’ to be doing rather than what i would like to be doing to recover. But thats ok as long as the main focus of my recovery is doing what i need and not what others think i need, ill be ok.
And here’s my lesson..it’s so incredibly important to place our own values and morals and needs above others. Its a double edged sword really, you want to help others but you cant until youve got your shit down. Help yourself to help others is my new motto. See I couldn’t enjoy or celebrate Christmas for years, I always half arsed it, even though I wanted to give and love and share, I couldn’t fully. But hopefully this coming year, because I did what I needed to heal my wounds, I feel I am going to give those around me the best Christmas I am able too. I can finally love and enjoy it again. I did my healing and now it’s time to share it.
Heal yourself to heal others, an hopefully the planet :). I can’t help other mental health sufferers if I can’t even help myself. So that’s where I must start.
Love myself. Love yourself.