I miss my dad

Right now.  I miss my dad.

It’s something I try super hard not to do, and if I do, I try and be nostalgic and greatful for the memories I have of him.

But sometimes I remember I don’t have as many memories as I’d like.  I didn’t get enough time with him and I didn’t spend the small amount of time I had with him wisely.

I lost my mentor, my life coach, my spirit guide and my best friend all at once.  And to honour him I try and keep the absence of his aura in a positive space, for he would never want me to dwell on the sadness of his passing.

Today however I can’t help it.  Its one of those days where Im lost.  You know the one where you’d call your mum sobbing down the phone, or you meet your sibling or a friend for coffee for half an hour but end up spending the whole day trying to figure your life out.  Its just one of those days when you need someone, someone you trust, someone you love, someone who wants nothing more but the best for you and can see how you are struggling and wants to provide the answers.  But hes not there.  Hes not here for me.  He never will be again.

I stare out the window and try and imagine his face in the trees, I try and hear his voice in the wind, and I stare at the ground knowing he has returned to whence he came.  And I sink down into an abyss with the all too familiar realisation that, he will never be here again.

Its been over a decade since he passed.  Nothings changed.  The pains the same, the absences the same, the confusions the same,  the judegement, anger, sadness.  Its all the same as the day I said goodbye.

The constant reminder of him passing, keeps me going to take care of myself.  I don’t want to, I’m not very good at it, and I just can’t be bothered.  But we have to take care of ourselves.  See even though I want my dads help, and his guidance and advice, thats all it would of ever been.  An inkling into what I could do to help myself,  but when it really comes down to it, he could speak but he cannot do,  that is only upto me.

I am the only one who can control me, who and where I am and what I’m doing.  Having people around for support is wonderful.  You get opinions and insights and trials and tribulations from so many angles and it helps.  But its only a helping hand.  As much as I want my dad to scoop me up and make it all better, and if he was here he’d sure as shit try, but it wouldn’t cure me.  Thats my job.

And its so important to anyone with mental health to remember and drill it into thier heads.  No-one else can cope,  fix or manage this part of you, except yourself.  You are your healer, your guide, your wisdom.  You are in control and you can fix yourself.   We all need to stop looking to others to solve our problems.  We all need to stop getting things to fix our problems.  We all need to turn the shit upside down and actually look under it and within ourselves.  If you keep piling it on without ever sorting through it, the shit piles only get get bigger and bigger.  No-one else is gonna come clear up your shit.  Thats your job.  Mental or not.  Go inside yourself and seek to heal yourself.  Maybe you can help others encourage to do the same.

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