one of my first thoughts as i got up was, man id be so happy if what existed beyond my cabin wasnt there. and then im reminded of what is beyond my cabin.
i feel on the verge of a breakdown. i feel insane, useless, trapped, scared, confused, alone and stressed. and thats just the first descriptions that enter my head, i dont even know or can fathom what all the things im feeling deeper down are.
i have to jump, i have to escape. im so scared though. no one wants to admit there in a shit sitution, especially when in it. I cant even believe the situation i have fuond myself in is real. I still cant admit my mother is batshit crazy and a significant factor in why I am so psychologically riddled with pain. for me, its all my fault, everday in and out, its me who has a problem, me who cant fucntion, me who is constantly turmoiled my negatvivities and confusion. its me. and then i see her, hear her, am aware of her, and althought i dont want to admit it, within a millisecond everything is amplified, and im screaming inside with horrific pain and sadness. immediatey i automatically think its me,. I feel the way I feel because its my responsibility how i feel. but i remember then that for 26 years, i have had a mother, who never wanted to be a mother. a mother who never thought i was good enough, who thought i could always be more than i was and that continuously and ongoingly berated me and my sister about our short comings. Yes I am in charge of how I feel, but battling over two decade ofaccidental psychological abuse, is more than I can handle or control. I remind myself, its not my fault, its not her fault, it’s just the way it is. I just have to get out to survive. but im trapped like a bear in hibernation through an endless winter, and all i want to do is hurt myself for my stupid incesent unachieving behaviour, and let the new physical pain wash away all of my emotional wounds.