It’s me, not you.  Or is it.

one of my first thoughts as i got up was, man id be so happy if what existed beyond my cabin wasnt there.  and then im reminded of what is beyond my cabin.

i feel on the verge of a breakdown.  i feel insane, useless, trapped, scared, confused, alone and stressed.  and thats just the first descriptions that enter my head, i dont even know or can fathom what all the things im feeling deeper down are.

i have to jump, i have to escape.  im so scared though. no one wants to admit there in a shit sitution, especially when in it.  I cant even believe the situation i have fuond myself in is real.  I still cant admit my mother is batshit crazy and a significant factor in why I am so psychologically riddled with pain.  for me, its all my fault, everday in and out, its me who has a problem, me who cant fucntion, me who is constantly turmoiled my negatvivities and confusion. its me.  and then i see her, hear her, am aware of her, and althought i dont want to admit it, within a millisecond everything is amplified, and im screaming inside with horrific pain and sadness.  immediatey i automatically think its me,.  I feel the way I feel because its my responsibility how i feel.   but i remember then that for 26 years, i have had a mother, who never wanted to be a mother.  a mother who never thought i was good enough, who thought i could always be more than i was and that continuously and ongoingly berated me and my sister about our short comings.  Yes I am in charge of how I feel, but battling over two decade ofaccidental  psychological abuse, is more than  I can handle or control.  I remind myself, its not my fault, its not her fault, it’s just the way it is.  I just have to get out to survive.  but im trapped like a bear in hibernation through an endless winter, and all i want to do is hurt myself for my stupid incesent unachieving behaviour, and let the new physical pain wash away all of my emotional wounds.

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