Fucking Fall down.

It’s been a bit hectic recently.  I have been way up on my intensity scale, but on a good episode.  What that means is I’m high on life, I’m capable of alot, I am on top of my world.   But inevitably it all comes down again.

I had done alot, social, engagement, outdoor activities, picked up shifts, art. On it.  But I could feel the crash coming, I was preparing for it almost.  So it happened two days ago on Tuesday.  I had been at work on monday and it was a surprise inset day so we were understaffed and over booked.  This utterly broke me.  Tuesday I collapsed.  Previously I would of sunk into an almighty low, felt guilty for my lack of ability to cope,  sitting in numbness not knowing what to do or how to handle it or how long it would last.  I had work the next day.

Crap.

Still with a few fumes left in me from my high I woke up Wednesday rather optimistic. Didn’t last long, so I went into work early, just so I would get there!!  I explained to my manager my mental state and gave him a) you can pay me to be shit at my job and watch me hope the kids hurt themselves, or b) send me home.

He sent me home.

I spent the rest of the day healing myself.  I went for a walk, I self medicated, I slumped up and did nothing for a whole heap of time, I ate takeaway.  Two in fact.  and I just dwelled in hating the world.  But I did not, and I repeat, did not, hate myself for what I was doing.  I accepted it, and loved it and knew I needed it.  Before, my actions to take initiative on my mental state, would have left me feeling selfish and stupid, but now I appreciate the importance of it, and I say fuck you world this is what I need.

On these day I habitually take the mentality of ‘fuck what everyone else wants’, my mum, the shop attendant, the people on the street, where I work and their priorities.  Fuck society, fuck life, fuck jobs responsibilities dealing with this stay in the box shit and sit there and feel bad for it.  I’ll take care of myself thank you very much.  We all need to.

And what do you know, its Thursday, and I’m not on a low.  I woke up at 7am, enjoyed a wonderful lie in until 8am.  Got up, blogged, ate, drank coffee, enjoyed my morning, danced and looked at myself in the mirror with love.  Its 10.34am and I’ve already achieved so much without exhausting my energy.

See allowing myself those selfish two days to care for me, my low no longer lasts weeks or maybe months,  its days now.  I’m not discounting that I’ll have longer slumps but recently my low days, have been better managed.   I’ve said no to what others think I need and should do, and done what I needed to do for me, and its working.

So do it.  Take care of yourself, whatever that may be, you are your own responsibility, no one else’s opinion, judgements, scrutiny or opinion matters.  All that does is YOU.

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