The array of emotions

I had a crisis.

I did my homework.

I was astonished.

For years I’ve struggled to associate the correct explanation to my emotional intensity.  No words fit it.  Im not just sad. I’m never just happy.  They don’t feel right.  It doesn’t even clip the tip of the ice burg.  I only realised how insanely special I was at this point.  So I showed my wifey (best friend over two decades, polar opposite but we work and she is the greatest love of who I am that I’ll ever be granted).

I read my emotions to her…here is my sheet….

It is very important here to remark that up until this point, I thought I was crazy.  I was in no way justified by my homework,  I felt relieved to put words (alot of words) to what was inside me, but I was still bemused by it and almost felt it wasn’t real. Anyway, I needed some re-assurance, so naturally I had to speak to someone.

I finished reading, and I looked up.  I’d never seen that face on her before.  It was a sort of astonished but pained look.  ‘You ARE crazy’ she remarked, with love and yes a little concern.  ‘Wow’ she exclaimed.  And in that moment, I knew I was ok.  See even though I’ve known this girl for most of my life, and she’s seen every fucking weird and perplexed part of me, she’s never really understood why I am the way I fucking I am.  She was my friend anyway, but we’ve always sat and pondered my mental state.  Now, finally, she knew.

There wasn’t much more to the conversation, there didn’t need to be.  See I was afraid, if i told her, she’d refuse to believe I could feel all that at once, or she would laugh and admit I was properly and fully off my nuts, not in a good way.  But neither happened.  It was an ‘everything makes sense’ moment between us.

Sharing my insides with someone, whose not a professional, another diagnosed or family member, help approve it for me.  It was real, what I felt was not a joke, a pre conceived notion or idea, or how I wish I felt.  It was real, and she now knew that.  So did I.

I spend alot of my time in my head, and its really hard to know what to believe.  Having another person who knows you so well be there to assure you what your feeling isn’t crazy, even if they don’t or have never experienced it, really helps to organise the thoughts into what could be useful and not.  And help you feel slightly less crazy, because in fact, its not all in your head after all 🙂

Anyone else struggling to identify which thoughts to use and not?  Im finding it blady hard.




Artwork Kalisaur Artwork


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