You wouldn’t believe me if I told you…

I can’t eat.  I need to

But I can’t.

I feel sick, no exhausted.

The thought of getting up and putting food in me is far too overbearing

It makes me want to cry.

But I can’t.

I can’t cry and I can’t eat.

I am incredibly helpless.
I know how important food is for me, I know what I need to eat, I know what I like and don’t, and what makes me feel better. Yet every food decision I make is like choosing whether I want to move to mars or not for the rest of my life. I don’t know. It could be the best thing for me,but I still don’t know, I won’t know until I’ve done it, and so actually my brain thinks no no this could go wrong, best not to do it and save yourself the pain. But I miss out on so much joy and nourishment.

I love food, plant based food, food that goods for your body, mind and planet. All round yummy energetic goodness. And yet I can’t let myself have it and I don’t know why. I use the excuse that it’s not good for the planet to eat meat, but then I don’t eat plants either so that’s not a valid excuse. Where did my love for myself and nourishment and health and wellbeing and recovery go? Where has my love of food gone? Where is my motivation and drive? Where is the me who wants to get better and succeed. It’s drowning in a lake of non eaten food that’s where. I’m fucked, and I know it, yet I can’t seem to stop myself from swimming to the bottom of the lake and allowing myslme f to drown in all the non eaten misery. I don’t know what’s wrong wit me.

Orthorexia.  It’s not a very well known eating disorder, well tbh most eating disorders aren’t well spoken about, if anyone says eating disorder people’s utomatic response is people who eat lettuce all day or after a meal vomit.  Well there more to eating disorders, and there not just black and white, you’ve either got it or not.  We are all under I going eating disorders.  The word foodie has been coined and suddenly everyone has a need to eat better, healthier and smarter.  But that’s where half the problem lies.

Orthorexia nervosa a is defined as an unhealthy obsession with otherwise healthy eating.  In a nutshell, you become fixated on eating healthy to the point in my case where you don’t eat because you’re afraid it’s bad for you.  To some extent I think we all have orthorexia and it seeps into other aspect of our lives, not just eating.  The focus on healthy living is drummed into us, and that’s all well and good and I strongly believe we all need to become healthier to provide a healthy planet.  But there’s a huge gap between the knowledge of healthy food and actually producing or having it accesssable to you.  For example, I come into town, and I want food, no sorry I need food because I’ve been a spacker and not eating breakfast (yes hindsight has taught me to eat beforehand).  So I look for some healthy whole goodness, and you know what.  There isn’t an option for that.  There’s plenty of pubs with fry ups, there’s plenty of fast food chains, there’s cafes offering cakes and crumpets, but there isn’t one, not a single whole food, good grain, all natural, in processed this right here what your picking from the plant itself is all that’s gone into it. None of that.

So how can we eat healthily when it’s not available to us.  It’s all well and good saying only have this much sugar this much caffeine this much meat dairy produce vitamins whatever, but if it’s not available to us how can we.  I’ve driven myself even more insane trying to use food as a recovery.  By golly shit sticks does it work, when I eat good I feel good, but this society isn’t built on making us feel good or being productive.  It slaved labour for pennies int he grand scheme of a better life.

I want to be healthy I want to heal, it seems the world around me won’t let me.

I over think

Until I can’t eat.

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