Is it all in the universe?
I think for a long time the universe has been trying to get through to me, mostly I’ve ignored it. I’ve searched internally for what is wrong with me. I’ve thrown myself into all the usual life antics, to still feel dismayed and confused. As of late, I have decided to listen. I’m not very good at it, but the minute signs and changes that have occurred since I started really trying to put myself in the world has been incredible for me and my mental health.
For a long time I didn’t tell anyone about who I was or why I struggled. I hid within my shell that I projected to everyone that loved me. I tried to fit in, and kept who I was protected away. It was only when I began sharing and expressing who I was that I began to love it, and the more I loved it the more I shared it and the more I shared it the more I was loved for it.
I knew for a few years I was in situation that was bad for me, but I was ‘ok’ so something must have been right. I was surrounded by people who had no clue about mental health, who disregarded any negative outlook as wrong and unspeakable. I was shunned away, my behaviours where controlled by others. What I said was determined by who I was with. I was so focused on behaving accordingly to the vicinity around me, that I forgot about my further proximity and how far that could stretch.
Over the course of a year I began placing myself in the universe as a wholesome self, not just placing myself in their universe. I listened to natural cues, if I was tired, I would cancel plans and fucking sleep. If I wanted to express the need to kill myself, I would blurt it out. If I was excruciatingly happy and jollied, I would allow my weird expression to poor out of me. I read about the spirits, ancient personality types, crystals, healing yourself, meditation and so on. It was only when I realised I was reading tabs from years ago that Id seen by random and ‘saved’ to read at a later date. It was as if I knew I had been ignoring all the signs the universe was screaming at me, that I wasn’t being my authentically me. (for reference, I’m still not…it’s an ongoing process)
As I slowly peeled myself away from everything that wasn’t working for me and began migrating and paying attention to what was, my recovery was blossomed.
Some will argue that it was just me waking up, and I guess I was, I was starting to listen to myself and my needs. But it was the universal signs all around me that urged me towards it. As silly as it sounds, all the willy nilly spiritual voodoo reading I was doing based on placing yourself as a universal being instead of a human being, worked. I wanted to experiment with this, and so I began reading articles
I now express to the universe what I will and will not accept for myself. I am the centre of my universe, and the only thing that really matters here is whats going on inside me. I say no when I need to and I ask for what I want. The universe, may or may not be responding, but since Ive been trying to pay attention to it, things are happening.
Artwork Kalisaur Artwork