It’s been a while. And I’ll admit that I’m broken. I don’t feel broken, just tired and dis-functioning. But to everyone else, I am broken. I’m signed off from work, I’m not eating, I’m not exercising, I’m not sleeping, no actually, I’m sleeping too much. Thats the one thing I am good at, sleeping.
I don’t want to fix myself, I mostly believe I don’t need fixing, but I really do.
That was a month ago. I’m still signed off, but I am (cautiously) returning next week. I don’t know why but the last two months have been really hard for me. I’ve relapsed in my recover and was exhausted. But I took the time I needed to rest and I’m returning to work. After only two months off! Thats incredible for me, seeing as the last time I was off for a good year. Before that? I was out of work for two!!
Now look at me, those two years and been dwindled down to 2 months recovery time from a breakdown. How fantastic is that? See I’m not focusing on the fact I had a breakdown, its inevitable no matter who you are, at some point you’ll go through a shitty patch. Well instead of dwell on it having the breakdown, I’ve focused more on my recovery. It is not weak of me to take a break. It is not silly of me to do nothing if thats what my body and mind needs. I am not a failure if I cannot go to work. I am all of the above, if I didn’t listen to, look after or care for myself. My mental health is mine, I can let it ruin me or I can let it guide me. But at no point, will I ever allow myself to feel bad or guilty for doing what is right for me, thats the old me.
I may not be fully recovered, I may only do one day of work a week, I am most certainly not fixed. But there is hope, there is proof I can get better. If I keep chugging away at my own tempo and ignore the wider orchestra around me, I’ll become the centre of my show. And thats where the magic really happens (:
Hows your recovery going? Are you being too harsh on yourself? Who are you listening to…society or yourself?
No matter where you are, you are not alone, and we are all crazy from time to time. Love every bit of it and learn from what you go through.