Today I can’t fight. I just don’t have it in me. I’ve been in a hole now for a while and everyday I’ve woken up, feeling pretty shit, but never-the-less, slapped my game face on and tried to get my shit together. It’s clearly not worked. The continuous onslaught of failing at trying to pick myself up has gotten the best of me today. And I can’t. I won’t.
I spent the first hour of the day, trying to get out of bed. When I did finally rise, a whole other hour passed before I’d realised, all I’d done was move from my bed to my couch. I was suppressing every urge I had in me to go back to bed, I can’t go back to bed, its not normal, its wrong, its wasteful. There are too many other things I need to do, I have to get my shit together and my life back on track or the next decade will be exactly the same as the last. I don’t want that. My brain goes into motivation overdrive, filled with green juices, getting outside, running, yoga, socialising, pushing my art career. Get back on track.
Then I stopped and wondered, whose thoughts are these? Are they mine? Obviously I do want all these things, to get better, to be ‘good’ at life. But a lot of these pressures I realise are coming from outside me, and actually inside me is very aware, that I’ve been fighting other peoples problems with my life, not my own.
See, I am not one to go back to bed. I like to do, I like to be active. Exploring is at the core of who I am. So going back to bed for me, isn’t natural. Sure a few years ago, I was bed ridden. Doesn’t mean I liked it, but I clearly needed it. Just like today, I don’t particularly want to go back to bed but the main reason I haven’t done so is because of all the connotations and opinions that go with going back to bed make me feel worse about it. Even though I’m very sure, I actually need a bed/rest day, or its going to keep ticking over and I wont ever get better. I need to rest, I did a lot the past week, my brains been in overdrive and my emotions have been hammered.
So here I am, desperate to go back to bed, to sleep, to recover, to give my body and mind what it needs to help itself, and yet I’m still on my couch because of all the negative societal input I’ve had about taking care of one self and staying in bed all day. I have to decide, do I care more about what the world thinks of my choices, or do I want to make my own choices that work for me?
It’s a daily struggle I think we all go through every minute of every hour, and it disturbs our core from being its true self and nourishing its needs.
Artwork Kalisaur Artwork