Forest of Confusion

I’m fucking depressed.  At least I think I am.

All the voices in my head are directing me down into a dark fucking forest of confusion.  I feel like the brown wizard in the hobbit,  everyone thinks he’s barmy, and well quite frankly he is, but he’s got a small inkling of what he’s going on about…doesn’t he?

In my head its a storm.

In my heart its solid quietness.

There couldn’t be any more conflict between the two.  Chalk and Cheese and all that…

All the voices in my head tell me to hurt myself, to do nothing, self sabotage, create chaos, make a mess, fuck it up and just not bother.   My heart repeatedly whispers as loud as it can for something that has no voice, ‘don’t give in’.  Back and forth, back and forth. Motivation, self destruct.

 

Motivate.  Explode.

Do something or collapse.

 

Pain, hate, anger, sadness, hopeless, grief, stupidity all thwart me from my mind.

I feel like I’m being stabbed by everything in the room.  A noise = a knife in my ear.  A smell = a shotgun to my lungs.  The light, fuck me the light, so harshly penetrating my eyes that they can’t function (its a grey, cloudy, rainy day)

And all of this is in my head.  I’m not feeling any of it in my heart.  Thats iron clad, and is patiently ignoring the hammering nuisance banging repeatedly on its door.  Heart says no thank you, I don’t want to feel any of that.   I can’t handle actually feeling all that.  But I really should.

So I’m sitting here.  Trying not to harm myself.  Trying to do something.  Trying to not self destruct and trying to process what I’m going through.  But I’m not going through anything.  There is nothing, I am nothing.  Life is nothing.

All I want, is to function.

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