Trying too hard

As evidenced in my blog posts recently, it’s pretty clear I’ve been trying so hard recently and struggling with it,  that I didn’t notice I was trying so hard for others and not myself.  Odd.

On my days off, I’ve got up at the same time I would go to work, even if I don’t feel like my brain is functioning.  I pry myself out of bed, only to do nothing with my day and then feel guilty about the fact I’ve wasted a day.

I forget that I’m not eating the right foods to fuel my mood and energy, I forget I’m not doing the activities I need to do.  I haven’t done yoga for over a month now.  That makes me feel sick.

I’m not giving my body the rest and recuperation it needs.

I’m so focused on getting better and improving that I forget sometimes there is a plateu.  Sometimes there’s a step backwards, but most importantly, all of the time I should be focusing on me, my needs and wants, not what I think I should be doing by everybody else’s account.

Today if I was normal I would be forcing myself to get admin business work done.  To do some exercise, to set up meetings, do some artwork or photoshopping.  I’d be forcing myself to get shit done.  And I’ve been pushing myself to do all of these recently, but I’ve not done them, and when I have its been half arsed and poor attempts because I’m not all really here.

When you forget to tend to your needs, your body, your desires and your recovery, your whole health goes out of whack.  I’ve been struggling for a while now, you can see that from my posts, to get anything, something done that will help me.  And yet I’ve done nothing.

Bringing my attention back to myself and allowing me to take care of me, how I know how and not how everybody else wants has really helped.  I woke up today at 8.  Exhausted,  I then proceeded to wake up every half an hour until 11.  O n everywaking I felt guilty I’d just fell back asleep and not gotten up.  It was torture, I was hating myself, sleeping more, only to hate myself more.  Then I woke up on the last time and I wasn’t so tired.  I could think clearly.  I even convinced myself it was ok to go back to sleep again.  I didn’t though. I felt better for letting myself sleep in, for allowing myself rest.  I realised then, I hadn’t been doing my recovery for the past few weeks, I’d been recovering how everyone else wanted me to.

This a common conflict for me,  I’m always battling what other people say is good for me or what I think other people think I should be doing,  versus doing what I know I need to do.  I wonder if this is a self sabotage? An unconscious stream of hurtful thoughts to keep me from doing what I know I need to do.  Then again,  I’ve always had this difficult choice.

Even when I was younger things made no sense to me. Wear this coat, do this sport, have these friends.  What worked for society never worked for me.  But y’know its society, so there must be something wrong with me.  Thats where I think we’re all going wrong.  Theres a huge boom in mental health, and it’s always down to the individual.  But maybe as a collective whole we’re going about this all wrong.  I do things differently and I’m shunned for it, but if a genius does something differently and it happens to make a leap in science its considered a revelation.  What if some part of this mental health crisis outbreak is supposed to be a revelation for society that we are simply missing.  For western culture anyway.  Alot of european and east countries emphasise work life balance, self care, mental consciousness.  In the west its all money, objects and success success success.

I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that we’ve become so far detached from ourselves that we are now undergoing a mental crisis.  We aren’t born to get a job, a salary, a house and a family so we can retire one day.  We’re told this is what we’re born to do.  But actually all we need for life is shelter, food and water.  Thats the essentials and yet some of us can’t even get that.   I can’t help but feel we’ve gone so wrong, we’re still going wrong, and will continue to do so until we all realise our mental, emotional and physical health are far more important than our current values and bank accounts.  Possibly by taking action on these we could improve society, culture and diversity.

So I’m going back to basics.  To my essentials.  I’m going to ignore what I should be doing and do what I need to do.  Starting with one of those essentials.  Food.  I challenge myself to eat breakfast everyday this week.  Hopefully by putting some of the basics back together I can begin to pull this recovery off that plateu.

UDSF x
Artwork Kalisaur Artwork

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