Jolly Morning.

I woke up jolly.

All of the past few weeks struggles, trials and tribulations gone.  Well maybe not gone but at least forgiven and loved.

This happens every now and again.

Maybe it was because it was sunny and wonderfully crisp.  Maybe it’s because I ate yesterday.  Maybe its because I’d stared at the stars, had a good nights sleep, had sex or maybe it was just because I’d woken up in a warm snuggly state.   I don’t know but, whatever, because I was pretty fucking jolly.

Despite only having had 5 hours sleep (way less than I can normally cope off) I was rested, sprightly and energetic.  I wanted to jump out of bed and run around and stuff my face with food and skip and be merry.  Why? No idea,  but it was a welcome feeling.

And because of this mood I wanted to do something and not nothing.  There was a potential chill day on the table, a day in the company of others but with no real agenda or goal,  I wouldn’t even have to do anything, or make decisions or use my brain.  Just simplicity.

A while back I would of accepted immediately, no hesitation or thought as to what I was doing.  And I would of sat there, all day, not done what I wanted to do but what was given for me to do.  I would of submerged myself in a different world non existent to my own,  drowning all my thoughts and feelings and wasting the day away.

Not on this jolly day.

Not this time.

Not now.

Ive changed.

I don’t need to sit there all day in someones company because I like their company and I’m not really sure what to do with myself because if I’m on my own it all comes out or its just nothing numbness.  I used to think maybe with people I could force myself to interact with something or mould myself to whatever the situation was.  But I choose now to do more for myself, I  don’t need to be with someone to be happy or to take all the bad parts away or nurture them.  I do that myself.

I can do that now.

And so on this jolly day theres been a tiny shift.  Choosing to walk away and do my own thing is a huge leap for me.  Old me was so conditioned to do what others desired of me that because I was always so darn confused by myself.  Fear would of driven me to stay where I was.  To not change a thing.  To just be.  But I want to be more than just being.  I want to do.  I’ve always wanted to do, but felt restricted or limited.  I thought maybe it was other peoples fault, but it was mine.  I didn’t understand or love myself enough to live with it.

The more I accept my ‘illness’ the more I am able to cope, and the more I can see that I’ve struggled so much because I always do what others want me to do and felt guilty if I did what I wanted to do, no what I needed to do.

I was constantly told I wasn’t doing enough, I wasn’t first, I wasn’t succeeding, I couldn’t cope, I couldn’t function, I’m not able to do this that and the other.  When actually I can do all of those things, very well,  I’ve just been choosing not to.  When I choose to do something, I do it very fucking well.  But because I’m not doing well by everyone else’s standards I always felt bad for it.  And so I’ve been pinning myself on everyone else’s standards, desires, wants and needs instead of my own.   This is a problem all people struggle with.  We are constantly trying so hard to one up each other, to be the best in someone else’s eyes, or societies eyes.

The only eyes that matter in this world, are our own.  See I love me, I love my life, I love my struggles my abilities my indifferences.  I can walk proudly with my head high and say that yeah, I’ve had some shit and I’m not best pleased with some parts of my life but I am overtly happy in others.  And it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks, wants or decided about me and my lifestyle choices.  They are my choices, my struggles, my antics, my life and it’s all through my eyes.  You may not see all of me, you may not know how much pain I’m in as I skip down the street, you may entirely misjudge me and be uncomfortable with how I am, but it doesn’t fucking matter.  It’s life through my eyes, and I’m comfortable with me.  All of me.  Doing things for me is working.  Walking away for me is working.  Not part taking for me, is working.  I am working, in my own way, on my own time and how my eyes see fit.

I appreciate help guidance and support.  I welcome friends and different perspectives on life.  I love diversity and indifferent opinions.  I don’t however like any of that, when I feel it is being enforced on me and like I dont’ have a choice.   And maybe up until now I’ve been blaming others for how their viewpoints affect me, as if they shouldn’t have those viewpoints at all, but actually, they can have those viewpoints, and I can listen to them but it is within my control about how I let them affect me.

UDSF x

 

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