Admitting defeat.

It’s really hard to admit I cant cope.  I am practiced in it and I know I need to take steps so I can cope better.  Sometimes I don’t want to.  I run around doing all and everything I can.  I refuse to take sick days and forget about my well being.  I think more about being the better person for society and not a better person for myself.

For days/weeks I’ve struggled.  Today my best friend told me I shouldn’t go to work.  If I did there was a real risk I would a) punch someone b) not be able to function (I’d already walked into numerous objects/people, spilt my coffee and dribbled almost every time I tried to sip at it, knocked over displays and babbling utter nonsense) and c) end up forcing myself into an emergency crisis because I couldn’t quite get the balls to say, stop, you need rest, you’ve done too much, take steps to prevent crisis episode.  That’s why she’s in my crisis reinforcement team, she can stop me, she can help me.

When someone else informs you you aren’t functioning it helps put things in perspective.

When you’re struggling on your own to figure it out, you know your not ok, but you keep going anyway.  You force yourself to keep going and give yourself celebrations for the small wins.  Yesterday I ate.  Celebration.  I thought I was doing ok and could continue.  I mean I ate yesterday.    Problems solved.   I’m cured.

No no because a normal person would eat 3 times a day if not more.  And I forget I cant do that.  Sometimes I get so focused on my small wins that I forget to look at the big picture and actually my small wins aren’t wins, they’re just little celebrations to trick me into thinking I am coping.   Well I’m not.

I’ve done a lot recently, most importantly I have been trained on a new department and had set myself up to be trained on another one this coming week.   Little did I know taking just an extra shift or two on top of my normal hours would affect me so much.   I forget I haven’t worked this much in 4 years.  I forget that I’ve only had this job 6months and I’m still settling.  I forget, unlike most people, I can’t handle working and looking after myself simultaneously.  And I forget that every now and again I need a rest.  And instead of forcing my self to keep going, and get stronger and push forward so I can get better,  it actually makes a lot more sense for me to allow myself to break, have a rest.  Admit I’m struggling and its ok to take a step back.

So thats what I’ve done.  I’m going to forget the new department training until next year.  I only picked up a new department a few weeks ago and I’ve only done a few extra shifts and I’m already collapsing inwards.   I could continue, but I will implode by this time next week.

Having both my friend and my aunt say, you have been doing amazing, you are coping and it’s ok for you to not do any more,  really helps me remember how far I’ve come and ease up on myself about not being able to do things.  I hate it, but I’ll hate myself even more if I induce a full blown crisis episode.

Thanks reinforcement team,  first crisis averted, and I went into work the next day! ❤

UDSF x

Kalisaur Artwork

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