Today I completely forgot I had a mental Illness. And it didn’t help.
Yes today I did forget that I am one of those who suffers from a personality disorder (probably a reason why I forgot). Anyway recently I have been very busy I didn’t really realise it, but I’ve been ignoring everything and just getting on with it. I can feel a break coming, and I thought I had been managing it. I don’t think I am. So I’ve been doing activities, working, socialising and just throwing myself into whatever I can. Without me knowing, it has been slowly knackering me.
I woke up this morning, ready to go for the day, except I really was not. Similar to how most of the past few weeks have been. I was shattered and slow, and groggy and just not functioning.
I managed to pry myself out of bed only to then waste 2hours on emails and the internet. But really I thought it had been 10 minutes and my heart sank when I realised I could rest no more. Up I got. I felt shit, I had a shower, a very hot shower. This does, despite not liking having showers for environmental and hygiene (yes showering can be bad for you) reasons, perk me up. This shower had no avail though. I did feel a bit less ill and snivvely but I still wanted to get back into bed. I had so much work to do. I had to clean and tidy, washing, house chores etc but my art work too. I needed to do stuff, be busy, create more art but, I Just. Could. Not.
I was getting very angry at myself and feeling wasteful and useless and even worse than I had before because I was now confirming how pants I really was. This consumed most of my day. It was only when I sat with a coffee and ‘felt’. Really sat and tried to see what I was feeling, and almost instantaneously a nice little voice piped up and calmly whispered, it’s ok…you have a PD. And like a rock on the head it all made sense. That’s why I was so tired, that’s why I couldn’t be bothered, had no interest in anything, that’s why having been so busy and trying to keep up with normality had aggravated me. I have a mental illness, I am not used to that kind of activity or use of my energy. And that is fricking fine.
A wave of relief came over me as I realised I had been punishing myself for something that I sadly cannot control completely, as after all, I am only human. The reason I write is, just by trying to forget you have a problem or ignoring your mental illness can actually be bad, you consume yourself in it and blame yourself for everything. You feed it, help it grow as you ignore it and don’t acknowledge it with love. As soon as I remembered, even if it didn’t make me better or feel like I could conquer the day again or anything more, I was a whole lot better. I knew I didn’t need to do anything, I knew if I wanted to do nothing it was ok and if I wanted to try then that was ok too. Everything was ok. All because I said, yes PD, you’re there, I acknowledge that you’re a part of me, who I am, and whilst today I may not be up for much, there’s always tomorrow, or the next day and I will take my time with you beloved friend. Something I hadn’t done in a long time. ❤