I can’t function.

Having a personality disorder, is like asking triplets to complete the same task together.  You would expect there to be a similarity in the way they go about it but of course there are differences from each personality which contribute to the completion of the task in some manner.

Individually, the triplets can undertake the task, probably in good fashion and time.  Ask them to do the same task as a group, and its likely there will be a disagreement.  There could be just one, or there could be a thousand things that none of them can agree on.  They are all trying to do it their way, because its the best way.  It turns into chaos.

When you’re in one frame of mind, you can function.  When theres two voices in your head, it gets a bit trickier.  Bump it up to three and you have a conversation thats fragmented.  Add in ten or so other voices and opinions and your heading to a debate.

Welcome to a personality disorder.  Imagine sitting in a room with a group of people, you’re not entirely sure why you’re meeting them, but you know you agree on something.  Conversations eb and flow and you realise all you’ve done is sit there in the middle looking and listening.  You don’t necessarily understand what they’re saying, one might be speaking in a different language.  Yet you trust them, want to listen, understand, communicate and come to an all round decision with them.  But you can’t.  You stay confused, observing all the ideas and opinions around you, feeling more and more worthless as you have nothing to contribute.  The more you pay attention the more you loose attention.  In the end you curl your knees up, tell them all to fuck off and cry into your dark abyss because you don’t know what the fuck is going on, and they’re all crowding round you, shouting demands and expecting you to be the decision maker.  You find you can’t cry, you can’t feel.  You’re drowning in everything that is nothing.  Your in a black hole with a huge blanc white space around you.  It hurts and it’s comforting.  Are you confused? Or can you fucking handle this?

That’s where I am today.  I don’t know what the shitbiscuits is going on.  I tried to tidy and re-organise my studio (I know I’m productive when it’s in good order).  For 2 hours now, all I’ve done is move things from one place to another and ended up in a heap on the floor.  It’s stressful, I’m lost.  The more I do, the worse it gets.  So I’ve sat down and tried to put it into words.  The meetings still going on in the back of my head.  I’m not sure where its going to go next.  All I do know is I can’t do anything, I can’t function.  I can’t eat, drink, move or even see.  I’m just sitting.  Waiting.  And I’m not sure there’s much more I can do, for when you have a personality disorder and they all disagree, it’s hard to know which one is really telling the truth, which one is the real you, and which one you should trust your next move in.

 

UDSF (:

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