Not in the godamn mood

I am not in the godamn mood.  For days now, I’ve been struggling to function, yesterday I fell up the stairs with a jug of milk in hand.  My hallway may now be growing cheese.  I passed on the eruption of emotion that engulfed me, and soldiered on.

Today I felt the full impact of having ignored my bodies useless attempt at telling me to just fucking stop.  My dog went to the vet last week, turns out he has a brain legion.  I am ok with this, but my mum isn’t.  And so I’ve been spending time with her.  This has meant her emotional turmoil has seeped into me, and without really knowing it, I have been deathly scared and anxious as to what will happen to my mum if our dog doesn’t make it.

This harbouring of her emotion has had me on hold for days now.  It reminds me so much of my childhood.  Any crisis, emotional outbreak, stress or disfunction, I felt full throttle.  I didn’t mean to, and never wanted to, but I can’t stop the bombardment of feelings that penetrate me, when it all gets thrown up in the air around me.  No wonder I’ve struggle.  I’ve walked around with severely intense emotions to myself and others around me, with no control of them, or even a real notion that I’m experiencing them.  Autopilot clicks on and bam the energy is stored elsewhere until I have no room left in me but to explode and projectile vomit it everywhere.  Having BPD means most of the time, you’ve got no real clue of whats on your inside.  Until it decides to let you feel every fucking last bit of it.

Today it poured out.  I was not in the fucking mood.  I was angry.  Tired.  Fuck the world style.  I instantly felt guilty for it, but I allowed myself to feel it.  I cried. I smoked.  I painted.  I shut the world out, tended to me.  Took away all pressures and social expectations of me, and I fucking cared for myself.   It was wonderful.

Within a few hours, my sister rang me, having a crisis of her own.  And instead of getting frustrated or damaged, I used my new wisdom to be caring, sympathetic and to convince her she too needed a day to look after herself.  And whadya-know, she took time for herself and she’s coping better than this morning.  How fabulous.  All it takes is a second to step back and say no world, today I need this.  Today I am doing this, and fuck you and your opinions on it.

Even as I write this,  I am toying with the idea of going to my ‘group therapy’ tonight.  I know I should.  It’ll be good for me.  Just the right place I need to be.  I’ve even had other group members try and convince me to make it.  But guess what?  I’m not going.  I’m ok with that and thats all that matters.  I know group would be good, but what I need now is to nurture me, on my own, in my own space and at a steady speed.  I am not in the godamn mood to share this experience with anyone, and I’m not in the godamn mood to do anything except me.

This is vital for anyone with mental health.  We get told so much we are wrong, different, strange, complicated, depressing, odd, hard, taxing.  People tell us to get better, to fix ourselves, to exercise, eat well, get a job, join society.  But for people with mental health, the way you think we need to deal with it, can be very wrong for us.  What works for some, doesn’t work for others, its an ongoing journey or trial and error.  Theres a balance to find between using the evidence of science and using the evidence from within you.  Today reminded me that shifting your focus to your inner turmoil and accommodating your own needs can help you get more of a grasp on what else can aid your recovery.  But first and foremost,  its you, your decision, your life.  So look after you, I know I fucking am (;

UDSF

xx

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