Being Content

Today I am content.  Its these days, that I love the most.  Obviously its nice functioning better and being able to get on with some life stuff, but thats not the reason they’re my favourite.

A day of contentment and happiness is a wonderful time for me to reflect on my ‘illness’ and drown myself in all the good things it brings.   People with mental health struggle daily to be accepted by others let alone by themselves.  On these days I make a real effort to love myself fully.  Every single ‘bad’ bit of me, is a gift, because it gives me days like this.

It took me half a day to realise this.  I’d got up quite easily and busied myself with alot of things, only to stop for a break and have the surge of goodness suddenly come to light and erupt from me.

I felt my heart jump out my chest and warm my insides with a fuzzy goodness.  My mind, for once, accepted these signals with gratitude and confirmed, you are amazing and you are doing the right thing by looking after yourself.  I ate.  I hydrated, I danced around my room and I created without even thinking about it (all would be a slog to achieve on an average day).  The day just went on.  I felt normal.

Of course, at this point, I had to acknowledge my shift and meditate on it (by meditate I mean sit in front of an incense stick and ponder), for with great highs will come great lows.  As much as I want to savour every good thing happening to me, I must try my best to keep my emotions from being extreme, and monitor them regularly.  Sooner or later a crash will come.  I must remember this.  Use this time wise fully to try and assert some sort of control and emotional maintenance for when I do break, I will have practiced the skills to stop me from snapping so sporadically.

My emotions and their instabilities are never going to fully go away, but I can manage them.  It will take along time.  I will suck at it, and I will excel at it.  The pendulum will swing both ways many times over.  It is my job (mission) not so much to reign it in, but to step through it wisely and keep it smooth, rather than snapping off the pivot point.

Now that I’ve reflected, I can continue to enjoy my high boundaries.  I may break later, tomorrow, next week, I don’t know.  But for now my extreme gratitude, love, wonder and excitement is going to flow freely out of me and I’m going to cherish every bit.

I encourage anyone with emotional challenges not to let their good days go by without remembering why you have them, and to use them to their best advantage.  For a long time, good moments whizzed past me, I never appreciated them, I stayed numb, I was picked up and then slammed back down again, without a moment to stop and catch my breath for a second.  In a flash, a good streak was gone, and before I knew it all my good and bad moments began to merge into one big soggy sad lumpy.  Only when I started acknowledging my bad moments and reflecting on the ever changing states inside me, was I able to grab my good moments and really fucking enjoy them.  It’s lovely.


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