Emotional Intensity Personality Disorder.
Straight off the bat, what even is that? When I was diagnosed I left with no clearer a head than when I went in. WTF. So I can totally understand you’re sat there thinking this is poppycock bullshit. Well my friend I am there with you, it is not something I resonate with, nor what I would like to be called, but for those who don’t understand, this is how they view us. So I use it to save the waffle long descriptions and satisfy the crazy doctors need to put me in a labelled box where pills can be administered accordingly.
We are perceived as people who tend to experience periods of being able to function which are interrupted by episodes of intense emotions and the inability of the brain to manage them. (Great).
This was the description given at one of my Mental Health groups to help us better understand it…
‘A Personality disorder is to do with particular ways someone feels, thinks and acts typically and over a long period of time. These ways are different from how people from the same background would feel, think and act, and this is the case in at least two of the following four… thinking, feelings/emotions, relationships with others, control of urges. These long standing ways of feeling and acting are difficult to change and have a bearing on many different situations, whether just to do with the person themselves or with others. These ways of feeling, thinking and acting create distress for the person or make it very difficult for them to function for example in relationships, at work or in other important areas of life’.
Did that help? No me neither. Basically what I got from that is I’m an oddball. I don’t function.
And upon hearing this description and many more (which you can find in articles coming to the site soon), I was bemused by how someone who functions differently to how everyone else has been taught is deemed as wrong. And this ignorant harsh diagnosis and dismissal of what could well be a very valuable and somewhat useful trait humanity may currently be lacking, makes it even harder for me to come to terms with the conversation on mental health.
And so the seed had been planted for me. I had confirmation I was different (crazy as they like to see it), but I sure as shit wasn’t going to see it as a complete negative. And this is a pattern I have noticed throughout my life. I perplex people, not always in a weird or negative way, but in a good way. Whilst I do have extreme bouts of depression, anger and remorse for the world (again will be explained in coming posts), there is always an upside. And I am fed up of mental health, whatever the diagnosis, being viewed as a negative, when parts of it can be a gift. This may seem like a hard concept to grasp, and because I am ‘high functioning’ I may be seen as not encompassing people with more extreme mental health. But I strongly believe within these complications, deep complex misconceptions and brutal feeling and truth and indifference all mental health sufferers go through, there is every bit a good lesson or positive to come out. A lot of people just can’t see it, can’t communicate it or can’t understand it. And those suffering from it are constantly berated and labelled and pigeon holed, so they never share it. And the cycle goes on.
Well I’m going to share it all. Whilst the above descriptions give a small insight into my condition, and can maybe allow you to partially understand whats on the surface, I plan to open up on what my mental health is, and how it affects me. Because those sentences just don’t capture the full breadth of what I go through.
So bare with me, while I find my feet and slowly unravel who I am showing you all the ‘nasties’ of my internal functions whilst bringing light and conversation to the better parts of it. Its complicated, its messy, its confusing, and its bewildering to most.
But it is me. And I wouldn’t change it.